


Hiding in plain sight

by AaronIeroWay



Category: Motionless in White (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Body Dysphoria, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm trying, Kinda, M/M, Mpreg, Other, Smut, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Male Character, Trans Ricky Horror, devin is a total mom, mentions of transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 00:45:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13601967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AaronIeroWay/pseuds/AaronIeroWay
Summary: Ricky had something important he had never told the guys about himself and it all starts to turn sour when he can't hold it in anymore





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so this took me ages to get something I was even slightly happy with so please bare with me.  
> explaining will be done if anyone has any questions or concerns leave a comment and kudos would be nice too~ let's get on with this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been a lot of work and I'm so glad to finally get this posted.  
> Hope you all enjoy!

To say the tour was stressful at the moment was an understatement. Ricky was pissed off, sad, sexually frustrated, and irritated all at the same time. Why? He couldn't tell you because even **he** had no clue.  
His life, at the moment, was a constant whirlwind of people, new faces, names he was really struggling to remember, and city after fucking city.   
He was often forgiven for not remembering anyone's name on his crew or new stagehands or tech's since they knew he wasn't an extremely social person in the first place. But that didn't mean there wasn't one or two people he could overhear talking about him behind his back but it's not like he wasn't used to it. It wasn't anything new to him to hear hushed whispers of his name and a jab in his general direction. That _**IS**_ all he dealt with before he left Seattle but right now? He had never wanted to scream at someone more in his life so he just excused himself to the tour bus to cool down.  
Only to have the basic swarm of ‘ _you okay man?_ ' and ‘ _everything alright?_ ' thrown at him. Whoever asked seemed perfectly content with an ‘ _I'm just tired._ ' Or ‘ _just give me a minute okay?_ '.  
It's not like he was lying about needing time alone. Because he really fucking did before he had an outburst at some poor unfortunate soul who looked at him wrong.

 

Ricky didn't know exactly what he was thinking by expecting the bus to be completely empty. However, he was glad it was only Devin he found hunched over his laptop in the front lounge. Ricky always felt a little more comfortable around Devin and was happy there was someone else in the band that even slightly could understand him on a level the others wouldn't. Of course, Devin didn't actually know the real reason Ricky was so happy to have him around. He hoped anyway. The thought alone of Dev actually knowing only added to Ricky's growing list of current negative feelings.  
Fucking fantastic. More added, and very unnecessary, anxiety. 

 "Hey, Rick. What's up?" Devin asked the passing guitarist, all without looking up from his laptop that he seemed completely interested in.

 Ricky resisted the insanely strong urge to break down right at that moment. To just tell Devin everything.

 

 "nothing. Just gonna try to catch a quick nap before sound check." His voice lightly wavered as he tried to keep his tone even through the obvious lie. He wasn't ready to say anything just yet. He was just probably having a down day and it'd stop eventually. He'd be fine and back to normal soon most likely. And back to not worrying and feeling like he was ready to burst at the seams with everything he was keeping to himself. 

A lie he's been telling himself for a **long** time now.

The tone of his voice must have actually caught the bass player's attention. He looked up from his screen to quickly assess the other.  
Devin's expression was the mirror image of a worried parent trying to figure out what was wrong with their son with a glance and not actually asking the problem. "… do you want me to wake you up in a bit then?" Ricky was thankful to the universe (and any deities that would listen) that the other didn't ask anything else. 

 "no, it's alright. I'll set an alarm on my phone" He gave a quick smile to the other who only nodded and slowly went back to whatever he was doing on the laptop.

 

 

On his way to the bunks, Ricky made a quick detour into the small tour bus bathroom.  
Once he was in with the door closed and locked behind himself, he clutched the edges of the counter and let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. The breath quickly turning into hyperventilating as he fought and struggled greatly to reign in all of the emotion's he was currently feeling.  
These mini breakdowns were nothing new to him. However, that didn't mean they still didn't suck every single time they happened. It also wasn't anything new to feel wetness run down his cheeks and slowly drip from his chin and down onto the surface he was clinging to as a lifeline. He could go out and tell Devin everything. It would be easy. He knows for a solid fact that Devin wouldn't judge him.  
He knew logically that the other would understand and that he'd have someone to finally help carry the immense weight on his shoulders. 

Ricky lifted his head slowly to look at himself in the mirror but wished he hadn't. his eyes were puffy and tired looking, his hair sticking to the wet patches on his checks, his shoulders visibly trembling, and his knuckles had gone white from clutching the counter so tightly. "fuck … get it together Ricky.."

 

He tried his best to focus on getting his breathing back on track but was pulled out of it prematurely and felt another spike of anxiety as he heard someone slowly approach the bathroom door and stop right outside of it.  
His hands had up to clamp over his mouth and nose so whoever it could have possibly been wouldn't hear his shaky and labored breathing.

In his panic induced state, he had completely forgotten that the only person on the bus besides himself, was Devin. But that didn't stop him from trying to not be caught in the middle of a breakdown.  
He could vividly imagine Devin stood right outside the bathroom door. Contemplating if he should knock or leave the Guitarist be. Ricky could hear an audible defeated sigh from the other side of the door before retreating footsteps could be heard followed by complete silence. 

He gave himself a minute to compose himself and hastily wipe at his eyes with the back of his hands before he splashed cool water from the tap onto his face,  silently thanking the fact he hadn't put any makeup on yet so he wouldn't have to deal with black streaks and smudges all over his cheeks and entire eye area. 

The small guitarist took a few deep breaths until they no longer came out shaky before he slowly unlocked the door and twisted the handle. He pushed the door open slowly and peeked in the direction of the front lounge only to find it completely vacant.  
Devin had probably left the bus to give Ricky some space if he knew what was wrong and that Ricky was in the middle of a small mental breakdown. Ricky was both relieved and disappointed that the other had left the bus. However, He was still slow and cautious when he made his way to the bunks of the bus, Almost as if he was expecting someone to be there despite fully knowing everyone else was busy doing other things or goofing off and causing mayhem somewhere about the venue. 

 

He had so many things going through his head when he climbed into his bunk after making sure the bus was indeed completely empty. He was thinking about all the consequences of keeping everything going on with him completely to himself. About how easy it would be to just tell his bandmates. About how much easier everything would just be if he told them everything that he had been keeping to himself since he joined the band. A small smile crossed his face for the first time that day as he thought about when he met them all for the first time. How welcomed and accepted he felt with the guys... A feeling he didn't know at all back 'home' in Seattle.

* * *

 

Ricky's eyes opened and took a second to adjust to his surroundings. He sat up in the vaguely familiar bed and glanced slowly around the room and taking in all the posters and old cd's strewn about here and there on various surfaces.  
This clearly wasn't where he had gone to sleep. He was sleeping safely in his bunk last time he checked. He felt panic begin to rise in his chest as he tossed the blankets off his body that somehow felt extremely _off_ , which he soon figured out why.  
Ricky caught a glimpse of himself in a full-length mirror and immediately felt like he was about to be sick. It was himself… but with a very **slightly** protruding chest beneath a baggy black shirt, his hair was shorter but still, some swooped over his forehead and slightly around his face. Which was soft and rounded and much less angular than he had become accustomed to seeing when he looked in the mirror. His bare legs were pale and smooth rather than slightly rough and toned from constant jumping around on stage and his hips seemed to stick out a little more.

The person in the mirror made Ricky want to rip his skin off. The person in the mirror was supposed to be dead and buried and no longer a problem or worry to him. He had killed this person long ago… His old prison he was originally born into… His _female_ self before he came out as Trans all those years ago.  
"no no no this-" his small hand flew up to clamp over his mouth to muffle the voice that came out. The girlish, high pitched, and feminine voice. 

His hands slowly reached up to grip his hair tightly, his entire frame shaking in the mirror as tears began streaming down his face. He never wanted to see this side of himself again. This side that had so much pain, anger, and hatred attached to it. 

He couldn't control the sobs that began slipping past his lips and the tremors that wracked through him down to the core.

in the midst of this nightmare that he had no control over, a faceless figure approached him from behind and roughly grasped his small shoulders. Ricky let out a startled scream as he was spun to face the faceless figure. Ricky's first instinct was to try and hide his body from the faceless person but he had no control over his arms or movement at all. He began struggling against the hold of the other, thrashing in any way possible to get away but it wasn't working. He screamed again but his throat felt raw so he couldn't force anything to come out. Ricky wanted to wake up from this nightmare.  
This couldn't be real. He knew that logically. But he was trapped. 

The hands on his shoulders began shaking him. Not violently enough to be frightening but the figure still didn't come into view no matter how hard Ricky tried to distinguish any features and that alone was terrifying on its own.

"wake up…" Ricky could hear a voice that was familiar say but couldn't place it in his current surroundings. He still tried to struggle against the firm hands on his shoulders but his body had completely stopped responding to him.  
"Rick-" the voice was coming from the faceless figure that was still lightly shaking him.  Ricky felt the tears start again as he shook his head. He felt control come back to him and he shoved the hands off his shoulders. The moment he did the room and person began fading into black, the last thing he saw was the figure morph into a worried Chris before the dream completely faded into nothingness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you made it this far, I fully thank you for actually bothering with this fic~  
> Thank you to anyone who reads this


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ricky wakes from his nightmare back in his bunk but he's not out of the woods just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm putting the little goth through so much stress I'm so sorry I swear I love him and it hurts me too.  
> basically, Ricky wakes up from his nightmare back in his bunk and well ... read to find out~

 "Ricky! Rick!" Ricky's eyes shot open and he shot up in the bed. His head harshly colliding with the ceiling of his bunk. "Fuck!" The small guitarist's hands immediately flew to his forehead and he twisted his body to shove his face into the mattress to muffle a stream of curse words at the sharp pain now in his head.

after a moment, when the pain slightly died down, he lifted his head and shifted his body slightly to hang his legs over the edge of his bunk as he cradled his sore head.

His tired and confused eyes took a second to focus on two worried faces. His bass player and singer both wearing the same concerned expression. "w-what?" Ricky cringed a bit as he stuttered out the word before he cleared his throat and looked in between his two concerned bandmates. "what?" he repeated without the stutter to the two of them only to have the two of them share a look and gaze back at the guitarist.

"Ricky? Are you alright?" it was Chris to ask gently rather than Devin. It confused Ricky a bit to be asked. His head hurt a bit and he could potentially have a concussion. But that didn't feel like what Chris was asking about.

Then it hit him like a fucking tidal wave… his nightmare came flooding back to him and hit him like a brick wall.  
Ricky could feel his stomach lurch at the vivid mental images that flooded his thoughts of his long-dead self, standing in the mirror. Before the other two had time to process what was happening, Ricky was out of his bunk and rushing past them straight into the bathroom and slamming the door behind himself. Ricky dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and emptied the contents of his stomach into the bowl. All that came up was mostly water and stomach acid since he hadn't really eaten anything at all today.

Over the sound of his dry heaving he could hear Devin and Chris outside of the bathroom door, he could only catch some of their conversation over the sound of his own retching but it was mostly Devin telling Chris they needed to give Ricky his space to calm down but Chris was insisting he stayed to see if the guitarist was okay. Ricky really did a minute alone to calm himself down and come up with something to tell the singer since he knew the other was very stubborn and was likely waiting for him on the other side of the door if Devin couldn't convince him to leave the guitarist be.

Ricky, after a minute, finally stood on shaky legs that felt ready to buckle underneath even the slightest weight. he clutched the counter of the sink again for support while he collected himself. 

For the second time that day, He regretted looking in the mirror to assess the current damage. His eyes were somehow even puffier then they had been earlier and  **more** red looking, his hair was an utter mess and sticking up in some places, he just looked a mess in every meaning of the word.

 

He knew the longer he made Chris wait for him, the longer the conversation he'd likely be having would be. Ricky sighed and tried to tame his hair a bit and rubbed at his eyes with the palms of his hands before he turned to the door of the bathroom and grasped the handle. Before he let too much anxiety build up he turned the handle and pushed the door open while trying to maintain a neutral expression. However, it didn't seem there was a reason for it as the singer wasn't even on the other side of the door waiting like Ricky had thought he would be. He could hear the singer rummaging around in the bunks and his anxiety decided to peak again. There wasn't anything for him to be scared of nor was he hiding anything (in his bunk anyway) but, his brain decided he needed to be afraid for no reason of course. Thanks to his own anxiety about the situation, Ricky re-entered the bunks but tried to keep up his neutral demeanor as he went to check on whatever the singer was up to.

 

Ricky found the tall singer sat in his own bunk as he waited for the smaller guitarist. his brow was furrowed as he lightly chewed on his lip rings, which he only did when he was either very focused or very concerned. "hey man?" Ricky finally spoke up to the other who seemed to snap out of whatever thoughts were going through his head.

The singer finally looking up at the guitarist with the same concerned expression from earlier. "Hey, Rick…" Chris spoke slowly and gently before he gestured for the bunk either across from himself or the spot next to himself and waited for the other to sit. And there it was. What Ricky was hoping to avoid. Chris wanted to _talk_ , and Ricky vastly underestimated how much fear and anxiety this situation was making him feel. Every possible negative scenario was running through his head of how this would end.

Ricky didn't realize he hadn't actually made any moves to go sit yet but just had been standing there like a deer caught in headlights. It was only when he noticed the other staring at him as he waited for the other to sit down before he started speaking.

Ricky let out a very defeated sounding sigh before he moved to fill the spot next to the other in the singer's bunk. "so … am I in trouble?" He spoke with a slightly playful and obviously teasing tone to try and lighten the mood and hopefully, convince the singer he didn't need to have a talk about anything right now, and that he was perfectly fine. (even if he wasn't)

The singer only cracked a small smile at the others words with a light chuckle. "no. you aren't in trouble Rick."  The small smile slipped from his face and he was back to looking concerned at the other, his brow furrowed lightly as he opened and closed his mouth in search of words, the singer clearly not sure where to even begin with his questions. "I guess I should ask if you even want to talk about it first, huh?" Chris finally said as he gazed down at his hands in his lap and twiddled his thumbs waiting for the other to answer.

Ricky knew, either way, he went about it, Chris would likely still want to at least know he was okay even if he said no and that he didn't want to talk about what was going on in his head. He'd know if Ricky lied to him too so that was completely out of the question. "there's just .. **a lot** going on in my head" It wasn't a lie completely. Just not the whole truth, but he knew once he said that, the singer would probably want to know exactly what was wrong. Ricky didn't know how much of withholding the truth he could get away with. He didn't know if he felt anxious or just was numb at this point, but he could hear his heart beating rapidly in his ears and his blood running cold as the other was trying to figure out how to ask Ricky what was wrong without sending the small guitarist into another panic-induced trip to the bathroom to dry heave again. which could be very likely as he did begin to feel the panic in his chest rise again for what felt like the hundredth time that day.

"would it be intrusive to ask if you're willing to share any of those things going on in your head with me?" The singer was being as gentle and soft-spoken as he could with the smaller man. He wanted to help Ricky as much as he could. Chris hated to see the other this way… it hurt him more than it probably should to watch the other refuse help anytime it was offered and brush it off with a simple ‘I'm fine.' Or ‘it's alright' with a shrug and a tired smile. But this time Ricky actually looked like he was pondering telling him what was wrong. 

He watched as the other had started biting his lower lip and was nipping at his lip rings in thought. Chris was ready to just sigh in defeat at the other seeming not ready to talk. He was fully prepared to just tell Ricky it was okay and he wouldn't force him to talk about anything he didn't want to and get up and give the other space until he was ready like Devin had suggested.

He was going to anyway… until the other's breathing seemed to pick up quickly and the color drained from the guitarist's face. it was when Ricky started seeming like he was gasping for air and ready to run is when Chris's brain and body caught up with what was happening.

Ricky was having a panic attack.

Before he thought too much of it, he pulled the other close to himself in a tight embrace and held him like his life depended on keeping the other safe. Chris fully expected to be pushed away and have the other making a break for the bathroom again, He didn't expect at all what the guitarist actually did.

Ricky was clinging to Chris and shoving his face into the fabric of the singer's shirt and trying to take deep breaths as his fist gripped the front of his shirt. "just breathe Ricky. I got you it's okay" Chris was keeping his arms firmly around the smaller form of the other. "Ricky take a deep breath in through your nose. Can you do that for me, Rick?" Chris spoke down to the smaller man nestled against him. The smaller man only rapidly shaking his head as he seemed to only tried to gasp deeper to try and fill his lungs to no avail.

"c-can't…" Ricky choked out, his entire frame shaking in the singer's arms. Chris was quickly running out of ways to calm down the other that wasn't the whole ‘shh it's okay' and light pats on the back. 

A thought did cross his mind. It could either end badly or just shock and distract the other just enough to halt the panic attack in its tracks before it got worse. "Ricky? I need you to look up at me please?". It took the smaller man a few seconds to muster enough courage to pull his face away from the singer's shirt but he managed and looked up at the other with a completely helpless expression that almost made Chris feel bad for what he was about to do.

He took the guitarist's face in his hands, cradling it as gently as possible. Ricky's eyes seemed to search the other's face with a clear look of 'what the fuck?'.

 

Before he lost his nerve, Chris swiftly closed the small gap between them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh s h i t. well this is something huh? heh uh .. well yes I'll be posting as much as I can so please stay tuned! more will be explained when I get to where I can reveal more things~  
> thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris's method of distraction awakens something deep in Ricky that he had forgotten existed.  
> he tests the dangerous waters until he nearly drowns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let's just all agree that I am shit at summaries but ANYWAY shit is about to get real steamy~

 

Every thought in Ricky's head halted the moment he felt the other in his space. His breathing had completely stopped. His entire frame had gone stiff and rigged. there were lips on his... warm, pierced, slightly chapped lips. His brain was completely disconnected from his body and not putting two and two together that the lips firmly pressed against his belonged to Chris. the singer of his band. one of his best friends. He felt heat immediately rise to his cheeks and couldn't figure out if it was out of rage or embarrassment at the situation. 

Chris had **kissed** him... **WAS** kissing him! But he wasn't reacting. His body wasn't listening to any warning bells that began going off in his head. more and more of those warning bells ringing the more he relaxed.

The singer's hands were no longer cupping the sides of his face but had somehow made their way into Ricky's hair. He wasn't exactly being held there. he could run. So why the fuck wasn't he? every functional and logical part of his mind was screaming at him to get out and get out now and that this wasn't right.  
However, as always, fate had other plans for him right now (that cruel bitch.). Chris's hands lightly gripped the dark locks that he currently had his hands full with, eliciting a low whine from the smaller guitarist who looked utterly horrified at his own reaction to the sensation despite the whine being muffled against the other's lips.

The small noise and vibrations against Chris's mouth caused him to groan low in his throat and forget why he was even doing exactly what he was doing in the first place. and who he was doing it with. Acting on instinct alone, he gently nipped at the non-pierced side of the guitarist's lips. 

whatever logical thinking ability Ricky had left flew out the fucking window right at that moment.   
Before he could even register in his mind what was happening and what it was that he was doing, he was practically crawling into the singer's lap.   
Anything and everything else forgotten right then and there. All he could process right now was how starved of intimate contact he suddenly realized he was and how every groan from the larger man had both the worst and best effect on him.

Both men completely forgetting the rest of the world and so caught up in getting more and more heated as the smaller of the two was now more or less straddling the singer.

It had been a complete accident that Ricky shifted and ground ever so slightly down on the other's clothed crotch, but the smallest bit of friction ripped a moan from the singer. The noise traveling from the guitarist's ears and going straight south.   
This time he shifted again on purpose, his movement earning another throaty moan from the other man who was no longer kissing the guitarist but panting into the other's mouth. Ricky noted his body felt like it was both surging with electricity and on fire all at once while an aching heat was pooling between his legs and started to become more and unbearable.   
The smaller man began shamelessly grinding his hips down as he got completely caught up in the moment. his movements, while they were clearly sloppy and unsure as this was uncharted waters for both of them, still caused the singer to become more and more undone and his hands to travel down from Ricky's long dark locks and straight to the guitarist's ass. Ricky gasped in slight surprise as the large hands on his ass squeezed slightly and caused him to slightly jerk his hips forward.

They hadn't done anything too bad just yet, However, both men looked already completely flushed and utterly wrecked. Ricky didn't even know what the fuck he was doing. All that he knew was it felt good and every small gasp, pant, and moan he was getting from the other man was pushing him to want more with each passing second.

But of course, as fate would have it again, He was reminded why he was having a meltdown today when Chris lightly lifted his own hips to meet Ricky's and Ricky could feel the throbbing hardness against his ass through the layers of clothing they both had on.   
His mind chose that moment to finally catch up with him and start working again. fear and panic washed over him again and all he knew was he had to get away. when his hips stopped, so did Chris while looking confused.

He didn't give the singer time to ask any questions before he brought up his hands to the singer's chest and pushed him back with a scream of simply "NO!" 

Ricky surprised himself with the speed he suddenly had that got him off the other's lap, out of the bunks, and off the bus all in a matter of seconds. He didn't know where he was planning to go but wherever it was, it was going to be as fast as his legs would take him there. 

 

Devin was just about to return to the bus to check up on Ricky when a small rapidly moving figure just barely missed him and would have likely sent him crashing down to the pavement if they had collided with him.

He turned his head to see if he could catch a glimpse of the culprit taking off and he did. But when he did, he turned back to the bus with newfound rage and willingness to murder whoever sent the smaller man running like his life depended on getting away from the general area.

Chris fumbled out of the door of the tour bus, his face still flushed and hair a mess as he attempted to adjust his pants to try and hide his 'situation'. 

To Devin, that was all he needed to see before he was over to the taller singer in a few strides and roughly shoving him back into the bus and up the few small stairs it took to enter the bus. Devin knew it wasn't a good idea at all to leave them alone and it turned out worse than he had ever anticipated.  
Chris was looking like a deer caught in the headlights of a semi truck, and he might as well have been for what the situation looked like. 

"Devin, what the fuck?-" Devin held his hand up to Chris's face before he turned and locked the door to the bus before he got right into the singer's space, the singer backing up swiftly at the sight of the seething bass player. 

"what the fuck did you do to him, Chris?!" Devin almost never raised his voice at anyone, let alone people he considered friends. "why was he running out of here like his life depended on it?! Do you even know what this looks like? fucking answer me, Cerulli or so help me god." 

Chris can't recall if he ever has seen this side of Devin before and he was going to be completely honest, The other was currently scaring the utter shit out of him right now. "Dev, calm down-" Chris immediately sensed that his wording was a mistake as the other got right in his face, their chests pressed firmly together so he could feel the heat radiating off the slightly shorter man. 

"I'm not asking again. What did you fucking do to him." Chris could practically feel the rage that was pouring out of the other and the venom dripping from the bass player's sharp words. 

"He was having a panic attack, Devin!" that probably wasn't the explanation the other wanted considering he was still very much in Chris's space and did not seem ready to back down just yet. 

"and is that supposed to justify you stepping off the bus looking like you've just fucked someone and Ricky running as far as he could get from here? huh? give me a fucking reason to believe it wasn't what it looked like." Devin was just waiting at this point. Waiting for Chris to give him a reason to well acquaint the singer's face with his fist. He didn't care if it would raise suspicion that the singer would be walking around with a bruised face. At this point, nothing could convince the bass player that Chris didn't deserve to be hit. 

"wait ... do you really think... Devin, are you fucking kidding me? are you insinuating that I seriously would take advantage of Rick like that?" Chris could tell Devin was listening, But he didn't know how much longer that would last. "He was having a panic attack okay? everything I possibly tried didn't work. I tried to get him to breathe, tried to talk him through it and nothing was working... So I thought that if I did something completely crazy it might shock him enough just to stop the attack... I kissed him. I didn't intend on anything going further than that okay?" there was only a short pause before Chris was suddenly knocked slightly off balance and pain bloomed across the left side of his face.   
Devin had hit him and not half-heartedly. 

"You'll be able to cover that with makeup. Fuck with Ricky again? I'll make sure you won't be able to." Devin turned away from the taller man and left without another word or even a look back as he let himself off the bus.   
The only thought on his mind now was to find Ricky but not knowing where the hell to even start. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing in his pocket against his hip, He pulled the device out and silently hoped it was Ricky but was only met with a text from his girlfriend. However, the preview gave him enough reason to start walking away from the venue and at least a few blocks away. 

The screen read: 'Kylie: I was getting coffee and Ricky ran in. I think you need to come here now.'. she shared her location through text and it was a Starbucks not very far from the venue. He unlocked his phone only to tell her to try and wait there with him before he was trying to keep up a quick pace to get there as soon as possible.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sorry for that teaser.  
> next chapter will be a little lighter and nicer-  
> THANK YOU AGAIN TO ANYONE WHO'S READ THIS FAR


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ricky finally puts all his cards out on the table. Just not the person he had ever expected to first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be honest that this is probably gonna be my only update for a while while I work on the next few chapters so I hope anyone who read this enjoys this so far!  
> also, for those who may not know, Kylie is there because the actually Kylie tours with the guys most of the time and plus I love her and wanted to add her in somehow so sorry if her being inserted is random lol.

 Kylie quickly typed off a text to her boyfriend, telling him to hurry if he could before she locked the screen of her phone and put it away into the pocket of her coat. "He'll be here in a minute..." she tried to break the awkward silence between herself and Devin's bandmate who only nodded at her words. Ricky's expression was vacant and empty while his eyes looked to be miles away. "Ricky? can you please say something?" Kylie wasn't really one to try and force people to talk if they didn't want to but Ricky was freaking her out. She knew enough about him to know he was pretty reserved but not this quiet. It wasn't making her worry any less when he barely seemed to register anything she was saying.

 "... I fucked up..." well that was a start. But he sounded so ... dead? 

"do you wanna talk about it?..." She was using a gentle tone of voice that she only reserved for Devin when he was having a bad day. She would have scooted a little closer if she wasn't sure if it'd scare him off or not. Only when he finally looked at her and his eyes seemed to have come back into focus was when she decided it was okay to sit a little closer to him.  He was reminding her much of a frightened deer and the last thing she wanted to do was scare him off before Devin got here. Devin would know how to handle this and all she had to do was try and make sure Ricky didn't leave. 

"I honestly wouldn't even know where to begin..." Ricky started. He began wringing his hands together on the small surface of the table they were sat at, a small bitter laugh leaving his lips at how utterly pathetic he felt right then. How fucked up everything felt and how he'd probably have to leave the band when they found out he'd been lying about who he really was for all these years. How much he felt completely ready to just give up right now. "whatever opinion you have of me right now will probably change. it's so fucked up." Ricky didn't want to look away from his hands. She was probably contemplating if this was even worth talking about or not. He didn't expect her to even want to hear anything from him. He was only her boyfriend's bandmate, not her friend or anything.

"try me." her tone of voice caught the guitarist slightly off guard. it was almost challenging but oddly comforting? like anything he said probably wouldn't phase her. He looked up from his hands and to her face to search for any signs of hesitation just in case she changed her mind about asking him to talk. when he couldn't find any the only thought to cross his mind was what did he have to lose? 

"I wasn't born 'Ricky'." he figured there was no way to beat around the bush with this topic. He could feel his heartbeat speeding up the more he tried to force the words out. He took a deep breath in and held it there for a second before exhaling quietly before continuing on. "how much of that are you following?..." When he glanced at her out of the corner of his eye she seemed to be pondering what he had just said. 

"I think I'm following where you're going with that but, you're gonna have to explain a little more before I start making assumptions based on that alone." Ricky had almost forgotten entirely how it felt to come out to someone who didn't seem to want to kick the shit out him when they found out. He felt a small bit of the weight on his shoulders was slowly being lifted off for the first time in a long time. He didn't feel as scared to tell her about himself as he thought he would. So he went on again. 

"it used to say 'Rachel' on my birth certificate before I had it changed." And there it was. everything he had hidden from everyone and anyone who didn't know him from before. He laid it all out to someone who he barely thought of as a friend but more of a friend of a friend. an acquaintance. yet now she knew more about him than his own bandmates did. 

When Kylie didn't answer right away he felt the urge to run again. He didn't know where he would run to but anywhere was better than with someone who was going to potentially react negatively to the new information. 

"okay." what? 'okay' what? Ricky was not following what that okay meant. 

"okay?..." Ricky was just confused at this point. what did she mean by 'Okay'? was it a bad 'okay' like 'okay bye get out' or 'Okay that's fine'? 

Kylie could probably tell Ricky was having a mini freak out by how he suddenly started seeming stiff and fidgety but Ricky couldn't help it. He needed more than just 'Okay'. He needed verbal assurance that she wasn't upset or thought any different of him.

"Okay as in that doesn't change anything." Kylie didn't know how comfortable Ricky would be with any form of contact but she took her chances and slowly reached out to rest her hand on his arm and give it a light, reassuring squeeze. "as far as I'm concerned? You are Ricky Olson. Unless you ever tell me you want me to call you something else, You are Ricky to me." She kept her voice low just in case any fans of the guitarist happened to be in the small Starbucks, which she should have been doing from the beginning honestly but right now she had bigger concerns. Like how long had Ricky been waiting to tell anyone about this? "who else knows? Any of the guys?" She couldn't even begin to imagine how hard and damaging this must have been to keep to himself. Such a big part of his identity hidden from everyone? For potentially years depending on his response to her question.  
When he finally did answer it was with light tears rolling down his cheeks and a light shake of his head as his shoulders trembled slightly with the emotions he was attempting to keep suppressed. 

Ricky felt too many different emotions right now. He was upset just in general at his situation, anxious at even the thought of having to tell the guys who've known him for a good portion of his life now.  
But he was oddly relieved and increasingly more emotional over finally being fully and completely accepted and understood by someone. He only realized he was crying yet again when Kylie had gotten closer and put her arm around his shoulder and had him in a loose embrace while whispering gentle affirmations of ‘It'll be okay' and ‘just let it out'.   
He let himself have this moment of complete weakness. He wasn't really good friends with Kylie but currently, He had never felt closer to anyone who knew everything there was to know about his identity and still accepted him for all that he was. So, he let himself let out any tears that he had held in.

He was so lost in just letting himself freely feel things for what felt like the first time in his entire life, that he had completely forgotten he was in a public place and there could potentially be people who knew who he was (or at least his face) there.  
While that thought had made him feel a bit embarrassed, his next one made him try to shoot out of his seat. "The show! fuck-" Ricky felt his legs give out despite not even fully making it out of his chair. the fact he hadn't had anything to eat and drink besides some water (that had likely been either puked up or cried out.) had suddenly dawned on him. 

"Easy Rick- just sit down." there was another pair of hands that were suddenly on him and gently seating him back in the chair. "did you eat or drink anything today at all?" He already knew it was Devin without having to look up from his lap with his suddenly heavy eyes. He felt like the room had tilted in just the slightest as he shook his head lightly at the question. 

Ricky heard someone get up from the table as a metal-legged chair lightly scrapped along the concrete flooring and assumed it was Kylie because there were still warmer and larger hands on his shoulder and he could hear Devin's voice in his ears, asking if he was okay. He couldn't remember the last time he had ever felt this fatigued to the point he was ready to pass out at any given moment.  
He was able to half pay attention to whatever the bass player had been asking and nod every so often but his world felt like it was currently spinning and all sounds seemed to be slightly out of earshot. He was only able to register when an opened bottle of water was placed on the table directly in front of him along with a weird looking cookie on a napkin. "w-what?..." Fuck. Ricky didn't even recognize his own voice right now, it sounded so tired and broken down. He finally looked over to Devin who wore a very worried and concerned expression directed at the guitar player.

"you can barely stand right now Rick. you need to have something in your system..." Devin seemed fully prepared to force feed the smaller man if he didn't get anything in his stomach. 

Ricky wouldn't put it past the other to actually do that so he reached out for the cookie first and started gingerly taking small nibbles out of it at first before he became painfully aware of how hungry he actually was and took normal bites until suddenly he didn't have a cookie anymore. He felt a pout coming on and was about to ask if he could have another one until he remembered he wasn't a toddler and was a grown man. A grown man that was actually older than both Kylie and Devin.  
He did actually feel tons better with just that small bit of food in his stomach (even if it was just a cookie) so he reached for the water bottle next to take a few healthy gulps from it and nearly emptying it in the process. His mind now becoming occupied with how much he really could go for another cookie. 

"feel better?" Devin has asked and seemed satisfied as soon as Ricky had nodded at his question while swallowing another mouth full of water. "... you want to talk about it now? or do you want to tell me while we head back to the venue before they send out a search party?" Ricky had chugged the remainder of his water before muttering a small thank you to Kylie. He seemed to mull over his thoughts as the bass player waited for an answer. 

"I'll tell you on the way back but ... uh... Can I grab another cookie before we go first?..." His response earned a chuckle from the pair situated on either side of himself who both nodded in unison before standing up from their chairs and making their way to wait by the door while Ricky went to buy himself another cookie. or two. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ghost and Kylie are such moms I love it. but honestly, I know everyone is likely waaay out of character but Ricky kinda has to be angsty and moody and shit otherwise the plot I have in mind is not going to work out.  
> so again, thank you for reading if you made it this far! I posted this at like 5 am and I had to attempt to proofread and edit shit while my eyes barely stayed open so I'm sorry for any and all errors~

**Author's Note:**

> I FEEL HORRIBLE BUT I SWEAR THINGS WILL GET BETTER FOR HIM  
> thank you for reading if you actually managed to get this far!


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